Jason
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Nice! I can totally relate. Here are some of my suggestions for the first 3 sonatas. The rest are perfect (except the spelling on "deceive").
I fell into your eyes,
Only to realize they are portals to your lies.
Take away this love and fill it with hate,
Destroy me from within, don’t make me wait.
Why do you say this love is heaven,
When I feel the heat and know it's hell?
Promise not to even try,
Because all promises someday die.
I hear your voice of emptiness,
Or is it pure madness?
Happiness evaporated into sadness,
Suspended between light and darkness. |
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I give it 9 out of ten. Say...did someone dump u, or ar u sad. i can help u out. No prob |
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socrates
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I like it--you are a real poet--hang in there. You are a good girl. |
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golden_eye_567
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F**k yeah THat waz COOL ROCK ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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Financial Answer Guy
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I'm no pro, but here's my unqualified opinion. Overall not bad, dark and sad without being scary. It did get a little trite towards the end and watch the spelling/typo on frightening in last stanza. |
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iris
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very nice :o) |
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pogowolf
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Very nice, I liked that. =) |
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cmprissdad
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Nice job, enjoyed it, keep writing and one day you will hit it big. Poetry is from the heart, and the heart is what keeps us going. |
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The Cleric
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Magical Deception
I fell into your eyes,
Then fell into your lies.
Take away this love and
(Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z z.....) |
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Ricky
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I prefer bright and colorful poems and yours was pretty bleak, but it was good in a horific kinda way, as in someone could watch a horror and say, "That was a nice movie". I'm reading your interpretation of love and saying, "I'm glad I dont think like you, but that was a good poem". On a scale of 1-10 I'll have to say 7, but only because of my bais, If I wasn't I'll give you about 9 or so, 'good' work. |
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babeegirl_69
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i think that it is a great poem but it does tend to be repetitive and the reader does have the potential to loose intrest mainly because they expect what it coming next. I am a writer who use to ryhme in my poems but I learned that to convey how you feel you don't really have to have ryhme so in ur next poem u might want to try and see how u like writing without so many rhymes. |
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dj27
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sweet |
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redroses2941
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That is beautiful. I can almost hear it as a country song. |
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JeffAV
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on a scale of 1 to 10 and 10 being best I give it a 7 |
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furnace4bro
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It's lovely, like you. |
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Trey45
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Copyright is spelled Copyright, not Copywright, and just because you say it's Copyrighted doesnt mean it is, you have a complete registration process to go thru and fee's to pay for the protection of Copyright laws to be enforced if you poem is used without your permission. |
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Uncle John
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Terrific! It's almost Shakesperian. Almost as if I wrote it, but you did. It made me smile, truely it did. I suggest entering it in a contest- perhaps one put on by Poetry.com and/or Famouspoetssoceity.com. For a grade, on a scale of 1 to 20, I'd give it a 19. |
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lysamariebetts
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Good job of expressing tension, definately there is some hesitancy. I didn't think the last stanza fit with the rest of the poem, but I really liked the "Enjoy the frightening comfort" line. I felt the terror through out. This shows some great natural talent and potential! Keep sharing! |
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kozettawa
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it alll depends on how you feel. that what writing poems are all about |
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flaming_love_69
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10 out of 10. I'm an amateur poet myself and I found your poem amazing! keep up the good work! |
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Jeremy W
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Not bad, I could point out a few technical things, but I hate being nitpicky and I really don't care that much about the technical aspects of poetry, they've just been beaten into my brain by my teachers. It sound like you've had a hard time. ;-) It seems like something I would write, sort of, but my style's fairly different. |
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vproph3tswoman
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very good is it from experience though? |
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people_009
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Well i think that it was very meaning ful and not matt |
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rmjunk24
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Your poem to me seems to be about lies, promises broken not only now but later on in life. Sometimes you want be lied to just for the false comfort that it will be okay. I have alot more to say on the different ways I went with this poem. It has great metaphorical usage and and the way you used your words was very well done. Some parts like your 4th and 5 th verse did not flow as well but everything else was consistent and flowed. Very well done. |
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acapulco_hawaii
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Hey from my own personal experience I believe that you have totally given an example of what happens in a relationship that has not been successful. Some of the lines in your poem made me remember my past experience with someone who I believed was my soul mate,but life totally twisted things around for both of us, especially me. If I had to rate your poem I would give it a score of 9.5. I wish I could write as well as you do! KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK! Remember, no matter how life has treated you there is a special someone who is waiting there for you! P.S. SMILE! |
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dexiangel520
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very good!!! liked it ----it was meaningful 2 whoever u wrote it 2!!!! |
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mommy_to_be1
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Incredible thoughts and feelings! But... I would try to stay away from rhymes like 'eyes and lies', 'hate and wait', 'sun and one'... You get it... Try something like 'eyes and demise', try not to have 2 one syllable words, spice it up. It's a very emotional poem and you're totally on the right track! I used to keep a thesaurus in my purse, it helps... Fantastic poem! Thank you for writing it... |
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Tamater
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I think this is a very good poem. It flows well and it's one that can be felt.
Keep writing.... it's the best of therapy!!!
Big thumbs up on this one!!! |
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