What should I do to get along better with my 19 yr old daughter?

She never comes home anymore and is always at her boyfriend's parents house. We argue all the time because all she does is show up for a meal (with her boyfriend) and then leaves- I never get to see her. Then she expects me to be happy that I saw her at all. I'm hurt by her actions lately she just avoids the family now- trying to understand.
When she does show up by herself she has fun with everyone.
She thinks I always criticize her. I try not to but I get on her about being punctual reliable and working. She has had 9 jobs in the past 3 years- she thinks I owe her something. Tired of the mooching too. She is in community college F.T. Am I expecting too much?
Additional Details
Thanks to all of you so far for your detailed answers. I'm crying from reading them. This was hard question for me to ask but I am glad I did- your words are very encouraging

I'm 25. My mother and I hated eachother from 17-19. At the age of 19, I dont' know what happened, I think you grow up just a little you become a woman and understand your mom a little more. Don't worry, it will get better and probablyl soon. She is in the wierd stage of being an adult but not knowing what that means. I remember thinking I don't need my mommy, but she still has to feed and cloth me. I didn't get it. But I do now, and I spend a lot of time with my mom and I talk to her everyday. Just give her space and time. It will work out.

I am 24 now and believe me, I've been through this when I was her age. This reason was I feel that my parents didn't understand or try to understand or accept who I am. I spent as less time at home as possible because I feel that my parent's house was not a home for me. If I need food, I would come home, eat, and go away without saying hi or bye. My parents didn't like it but so didn't I. I did that not to disrespect them but only to show them that they should know me better. I am a human and expecially their daughter. Even when I was in high school or junior high school, I mainly didn't talk to them because of the same reason. Especially in junior high school, I really wish that I could be on my own and never be bothered with them.

Your daughter could be going through what I have been through. Ask yourself, how have you treat her since she was a kid? What are the possible reasons that she resent you? If you say that you two have been arguing too much, then you need to concentrate on what have you two been arguing about and try to correct the problem. If you feel that you are expecting too much, maybe you shouldn't. You need to understand your daughter's capabilities. If she can't get straight A's, then she can't. If she can't be a millionaire, doctor, or a lawyer, then she can't. Try to be open and accept her as who she is and I guarantee that soon, you two will have a good relationship.

I am 19 so Maybe this will help. My mom and I had a fall out when I turned 19. I wanted to be treated like an adult. I didn't want her constantly protecting me. I wanted my own life. I used to believe that respect should be earned and not demanded. I gave my mom HE double hocky sticks.
But the truth was I missed her. Call you daughter. Ask her is you can set up a lunch date. I understand doing things on her time is hard for any parent. When you find a time and get together make sure it is only you two. Tell her you love her. You understand she wants her own life, Tell her you will do what you can to let her lead her life as she sees fit. Explain to her that since she is now an adult she is responsible for her actions. You are no longer responsible for her. Tell her you miss spending time with her. If she misses it too, try to work it out. She may open up and she may not. If she does maybe you two could set up a shopping date or a date at home watching movies. She may request that you treat her like an adult. If she gets very seperated and rebellious, Or decides to move out completely, Let her but do not help her. My mom tried the nice route first, it got me thinking. But I was stubborn and decided to move out. She refused to help me since I was an "adult" She tried so hard not to cry because I was hurting her. We faught for months and she wanted to talk to me but it hurt her too bad to. I soon realized how much I missed talking to her, I felt bad about seeing and knowing she was hurt. I got into trouble, I missed my safety net. I realized I had to grow up. I knew I had to take the first step in mending our relationship. (Yes it may go very bad)
I called her and told her I was sorry. I missed her more than anything. I almost left the boy I was with to be with her again. She told me when I left I would not be able to move back in. It was said out of anger but it still scared me. Since I called her, we have spend more time together, I enjoy talking to her when ever I can. It means even more when she calls me just to say hi and that she loves me.

I am sorry this is so long. But I know what its like. It's one of the hardest things between a parent and a child. But It should work out. Especially if you know your child has a conscience. If she calls you, and y ou are too stressed to talk to her, Tell her she has hurt you badly and your nerves are shot, Tell her it would be better to call later. Still always tell her you love her. If it doesn't go that far and she is willling to work with you, Try setting boundaries together, ie...You can have your boyfriend over 3 nights a week but for 3 nights please only bring yourself.
Tell her you feel she is pulling away from her and you understand she must grow up on her own but you miss her. There is nothing as special as the bond between a mom and her daughter. I also felt that I wasn't home anymore. Remember when you were her age, did you feel like you knew you had to grow up,You felt it was their house and no longer yours even if they told you it was still yours? Do you remember being scared to grow up? I was terrified to turn 18. I knew what I was losing, not everyone does. I cried all day on my brithday. I was scared.
Since moving out, I have not moved back in, but since we have been working things out, she has helped me, even sending me money to visit her when I don't have it. She is still my safety net, not so much against the law or against other people, but I know that when we are together, I am safe. Thats what matters the most. I know i am loved and nothing can change that. I need to wipe my eyes, I still cry thinkin about what I put her through. Just do your best. One day even if its years down the road, she will understand, she will see what you mean to her. I promise. She may not tell you for a while, but she will feel bad about what she put you through especially if she is anything like me.

I did the same thing to my mom, as I am sure she did to her mom... not that it is intentional, but at 19 what would you rather do than be in love?? Of course she only wants to spend time with her honey, that is normal. Maybe you should try to ask her for one day per week that she spends with you. Me and my mother do that and I look forward to that and find myself continously planning things to do for the next week. Pretend like you are so interesed in HER life, Her boyfriend, and her day at school. Open up conversations about her so it is easy for her to talk about, and then drift off onto a subject you want to talk about. Right now she does not need you to be her best friend, she needs to know you are there if she does need you, but until she asks for help, then dont butt in. I know that is harsh, but that is how I felt at 19... give it a year or a few months and it will pass, and she will be thankful that you stood by her.

U need to be free also. Try not being home so much. She will have to find another place to eat free. It is your house demand respect. Its a priviledge to eat at home and not a requirement. She is grown the time will be lost for awhile till she matures. Just support her the best that u can but yet u still have to be free yourself.

It is hard - I have been there...but any time is quality time, just look at it that way. If she is totally living with her boyfriend then just make the best of it mom. I have adult children - 4 girls - and there are times as mom that I just want to say something, always thinking that as mom I need to say something, but in the long run it is better just to pray for them. Prayer works wonders and with prayer we can lift up all our needs, vent if you will, and only Jesus/God knows it...so nothing for anyone else to say, i.e., critical, criticizing, etc. Love unconditionally. Invite her to come to church with you, start a tradition of something that girls can do together, i.e., crocheting, shopping, craft making, baking, etc. Time will pass and things will change...I have been there. My oldest daughter is 22 and has moved into her own place for the second time...lol I knew the first time would be a bust but I prayed and I know this time now might not work either but I am praying.

Stop feeding her and her boyfriend, make meals for yourself, if she shows up for dinner, tell her when she stops using you as a resteraunt service, you'll stop requiring reservations to eat there.

You probably aren't expecting to much but she might feel that way. My mom acted the same way to me. She always found something to argue about. but now I'm getting over all of it. She wants to be on her own, but not completely. She probably wants to have a little of both worlds, but don't let her mooch forever.

Give your self some freedom. Don't let your daughter just come home evey time to eat. Be gone when she does. Also try talking to her, but without critizing her.

I have two sons the same way. Yet they still love me and I love them. I sometimes invite them to cook with me. We then have a few drinks and just talk about other things. It appears that she is close to leaving the nest. If this is so, don't fret. Just because they leave doesn't mean they don't like you or love you, it is just that she has other interests, too.

i just went through this with my mom when i was 19. i just turned 22...so here's some advice, it is soooo hard to make it when you're just starting out, and it is even harder now than it was a generation ago (financially) so please give her some slack on the money thing. gas alone is nearly 3.00 per gallon now. also, when you're young and in love everything else just disappears for a while, i know it hurts to be excluded from her life but she's not hurting you intentionally, she just can't see for the stars in her eyes. i married the man i felt that crazy about and he's a great guy, but i promise, this phase will pass like the terrible twos. i'd rather talk to my mom about him now than talk to him ha ha just kidding. plus, she's not an adult, but she's old enough that everybody expects her to be more responsible than she has the ability to be...if that person who expects more than she can give is you then she'll feel frustrated and down on herself whenever you're around and she is probably doing the best she can, so the only way not to feel like that is to stay away from you. take a deep breath, mom, by the time she's out of school, married and has children of her own, the importance of family will become clear and dear to her. in the mean time, try to make the boyfriend as comfortable as possible in your home, if he likes hanging out there then i bet you'll see her alot more. remember, she has to juggle keeping him in the conversation and stuff with her own visit with you which is a little nerve wracking for both of them. as to why he can't just relax? because you're his girlfriend's parents!! one bad or embarrassing moment and you might not like him..might even encourage her to break up with him. if he's nervous, it's because he cares. just relax, she can try as many jobs as she wants right now, otherwise how will she find her passion? remember when she was learning to crawl and then walk? this is like that, it is going to take some time, some stumbles and falls, and alot of encouraging and praise. being a grown up is scary. being 19 and neither child nor adult is even scarier. just love her, try to do things that remind her of being a little girl, like bake her favorite cookies and ask her to have some with you. note: you must eat the cookies with her, diet or no diet, ha ha let her talk about whatever's going on instead of asking her a list of "didyouyets" and if all else fails, "this too shall pass". she may not always seem like it, but she is still your baby.

Valley Snow, thank you honey. I am a Mom of a wonderful 20 yr. old daughter. You have helped me to look at my separation anxiety in a different way and I thank you for your well spoken response! You are obviously some Mom's awesome daughter!

Enter Your Message or Comment

User Name:
User Email:
Post a comment:

Archive: Forum -Forum -Finance - Links - 1 - 2 - RSS - All RSS Feeds
The Causes and the Results. 0.034
Copyright (c) 2011 Financial Crisis Saturday, May 26, 2012 - Terms of use - Privacy Policy