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redladynj | Should I help my boyfriend get out of debt? |
I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. We are in a serious relationship, leading to living together in the future. We're both in our early 50's, divorced, older teen kids. As part of my divorce settlement my marriage home needed to be sold and I received a nice sum from the sale. I'm planning on using a large chunk for a down payment on my next residence. I'm currently renting an apartment and want to buy a condo. I will still have a nice amount left after the down payment. My boyfriend is in debt and wants to pay off all his debts, credit cards, etc., which will total about $25,000. He didn't want to have to ask me if I could help him out, but he did and he wants to work out a repayment plan of putting a certain amount of his pay check into my account monthly. It will take about 5 years for him to repay me. He is willing to sign some sort of an agreement. I seriously doubt that he will not pay me back. What are people's opinions of me lending him this money?
Additional Details
to answer some of your questions - neither of us wants to get married again. We had been in long term marriages before. I also don't want to give up my alimony. Living together is a commitment, we just feel that we don't need that piece of paper.
A couple of you mentioned that he should see a financial counselor. How do you find one? And how would you know if that financial counselor is a good one with good advice? |
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Sativa
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Serious relationship or not, I would say "no". You are in your 50's and you both need to think about your financial security. Even with a repayment plan, things could go south. Loaning money is never a good thing, even to family, close friends. If you were married and equally sharing assets, I may think differently...
If you want to help him, the best thing to do is sit down with a financial advisor and help keep him on a budget and possibly negotiate down some of his debt. He's a grown man who got himself into the situation, and after only knowing you for such a short time, has no place to ask you for that sort of money.
Think about it, your kids are growing up and will be in college or starting families soon. It makes more sense for you to put that extra money you have into an interest bearing account and profit from it rather than give it away and earn little or no interest from it. Right now you need to concentrate on providing for yourself for retirement and for the future of your family, not this man. |
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Hustler1
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do not do it thats what he is looking for then when all is said and done he will probably be gone good luck |
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Dan J
 |
It has been said that "a Fool and his money are soon departed".
I think that if he is really serious about getting out of debt then he should get in touch with a debt counselor. There are some that don't charge. They contact your boyfriend's creditors and negotiate down the debt and take a commission from the creditors. This way your money is not in jeopardy. I am sure that his intentions on paying you back are honorable but things have a way of coming up were money is concerned. Additionally, by going to a debt counselor his total amount owed will be reduced. Best to let them set up a payment plan for your boyfriend.
Go to this site to find a debt counselor in your area..http://www.debtadvice.org/takethefirststep/locator.html |
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adrianne
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i say if you want to help go ahead, but like you said make him sign a contract stating the repayment terms. that way if for whatever reason you two part ways, he will still be bound to that agreement. |
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gtofinancial.tomvoli
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Wow. This is a tough question but I think it comes down to overall relationship intentions...at least for me it would.
If you are really going to have a life together what is he waiting for? Has he not asked you to marry him? If he has then what are you waiting for?
I mention this because if there truly is a lifelong bond here then you should do what it takes to help him and money is never an issue.
However, a relationship as boyfriend / girlfriend just living together...see how it goes relationship...is not worthy of making a committment like this. Again, this post is subject to opinion and I am an all the way kind of person....no middle ground. In or Out. I give everything once you committ.
PS did so 26 years ago and we are happy to this day. |
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Katya-Zelen
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A good relationship is about support but you also need to protect yourself. Get legal advice and if you go for it, sign a water-tight contract. |
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tric_tex
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I would see an attorney or financial planner first. They could help you draw up an agreement that will protect you financially. 25K is a not inconsiderable sum of money, and you will be loaning it to someone who has already shown that they can have problems managing their money. This is not a valuation of you or the gentleman, but you do need to take care of yourself, and protecting your assets is included in that. |
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aout
 |
I would say no. You're not married and therefore it's his own debt and you aren't obligated in anyway to give him money. Even if he says he'll pay you back. If he will be paying you monthly to repay you for helping him out, then he can simply put that money right towards his debt instead. He got himself into this trouble and he should get himself out of it. |
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PetuniaFritz
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I think there are other ways for him to finance his debt, than for you to lend him the money. At the end of the day its your choice and you know him better than anyone that will respond to you. However, through my experience, I have learned not to mix relationships (be it friendships/family/boyfriends) with monetary commitments. Primarily because, if they don't stick to their end, there is disappointment, tension and other issues that may come between the relationship. And at the end of the day all the trouble may not be worth losing or damaging a friend/boyfriend/family relationship. |
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Truth123
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Make Money While have fun
http://tinyurl.com/yhzzph
Making your spare time Valuable |
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alerrett
|
I know you want to help him, but I also sense a little unease on your part. You know logically that you incur a risk, if you loan him the money, that you don't incur, if you don't do the loan. But on an emotional level - it sounds like this is someone who you love and trust. You don't want to let him down by not loaning him the money. I think you should show him this string of Answers (most of which are really really good!) and ask him what he thinks. If he's an honest and caring person, he'll want you to be covered in the event that something unforseen happens to him! If you're going to do the loan, I'd absolutely have a lawyer draw up the papers and you both sign. It's a good deal for him and you have more peace of mind. All the best. |
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mharrop@sbcglobal.net
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Heck No! At your ages if he can't do it on his own then he has some serious problems with finances. This would not be a good idea, starting out in a relationship with him "borrowing" money from you. It will come back to bite you in the a**. |
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treefrog
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Trust me....I too have been certain that things would work out with a boyfriend.....only to find out later that I was dead wrong.
Help a husband.....sure. Help a boyfriend......no way!!! Trust me on this!
It's great to want to help ppl....especially those you care deeply for. But, you have to protect yourself, first and foremost.
What would happen if he didn't pay you back? Can you really afford to lose twenty- five grand? |
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Darby
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No, absolutely not. You are not a spring chicken any more, but we are living longer and you will want to retire in a few years. Rather than pay someone else's bills, go to a financial adivisor and invest the $25,000 in something that will give you a nice return a little later on. Giving this guy your money will only wreck your relationship. You don't owe him anything. God bless. |
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momofmodi
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I'm sorry, I would say no. My husband and I have been "screwed" too many times helping people out this way. |
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dream
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It's really how you feel about him...but If you think that you two could be married in the future then you might want to help him now so that his debt doesn't become yours. I would definitely have some formal thing written up and signed and notarized so that no matter what happens he has to pay you back. that is a lot of debt......think about it. maybe ask your families opinion too. |
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songbird
 |
I am a single mom in my early 50s and have raised 3 children on my own. Whatever debts and financial obligations I incurred in my life I handled on my own, without the assistance of a "boyfriend". Recently my boyfriend came to live with me for many of the reasons you state above. Quite shortly thereafter I found out he had trouble managing the most basic of finances and was in significant debt. He paid me a monthly amount which we had agreed to for a brief period of three months. 6 months ago he lost his job. For the last 10 I have received next to nothing in financial contribution, meanwhile providing for my daughter who is still a minor. I have asked him if he could at least contribute 1/4 of his unemployment checks to the household. He said he was unable to do that. I have asked him to leave within the month.
PLEASE......you are not his bank or financier. Let him get a debt consolidation loan, contact consumer credit counseling.....anything. Your money belongs to you and YOUR family. You will find out his TRUE colors once you explain your reasoning to him. See if he sticks around and gets his act together. You'll never know unless you say NO. |
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Johnson
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Why did both of you have divorced from your first marriage? Did both of you found it out exactly what went wrong between you and your ex-spouses? Was it because of financial breakdown or was it because of your behaviours toward your ex-spouses? Do you valued money more than people or are people more important to you than the assets or the material richness. If your brother is in needs, then should you not steps in for helps rather than clouding your eyes from fear or doubt, to lend him/her what you have? Public ideas are not up to date to rely on them.
You better dig your own solution and see to yourself the intimacy relationship between you and your boyfriend. Did anyone told you to make friendship with him or did you make your own decision? Finally, give him or lend him some money because he is in need and simply that is the full meaning of being friend. Each should back up each other with harmony at this situation of need.
I mean this message is not only for you my sister, but to every woman and every man who want to be blessed by those around her/him. Can money call an ambulance when one fall sick or can money cover you at night during the winter time or can money have sexual intimacy with anyone who is rich in term of money? I’m not intending to make anyone becomes poor, but I’m trying to show the different and the important of human being vs. wealth or money.
Say "Yes" |
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