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sarahmartin678905 | Am i wrong to feel this way?mature and honest answers only please? |
my fiance of 2 yrs has had money issues for the last 5 yrs(from a bad divorce)he inherited 20k last month,enough to pay off his debt.he told me he was going to do just that the problem is he has not.instead hes been buying expensive toys for his car($900),spending $500 on baseball tickets for him and his son,and numerous things here and there.when i asked him about this he said he has not had anything for him self in over 5 yrs and wants to spend some of the money on himself.I feel he should 1st pay off his debt then whats left spend it on these things.I will say i am maybe a little jealous as i have stood by him for 5yrs and with all this money he has not even given me flowers to say thanks for sticking this out with me.plus the reason we are not married is he can't "afford" to pay for his share (half) of the wedding about 6 k. |
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Halawa
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sounds like he has some issues with money also sounds like he is not treating you like a woman should be treated... I don't know a man who would get 20,000 and not buy his fiance/wife/gf even some flowers at least. Id say time to re-evaluate the relationship and see what his priorities are sounds like your not on the top 5 list..oh and back to your question..yes he should have paid his debt first put up money for a wedding maybe take you to a nice dinner (with flowers) then spend whats left carelessly like hes doing now |
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bmt330
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The debt should come first (he obviously bought some things for himself to incur the debt in the first place). Think hard before you marry this guy - his debts will become your debts! |
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Steve R
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I would ask him to pay down the debt and save 6K for the wedding. Ask him what dates he would prefer for the wedding. If he balks, about setting a date, he's been taking advantage of you, and you would be better off without him. |
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meltedwatches
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I'm going through something similar, and I've come to realize that if he is not responsible enough to fulfill his financial obligations, he isn't ready to be married. He isn't putting you or your future together first now; he's putting himself first. He wants what he wants, so he's letting himself have it. That's not a good sign for you.
Too many men think their problems will solve themselves once their situation changes, and that isn't the case.
What I did, and what I would suggest doing is giving him back his ring and asking him to decide whether new toys and spending money are more important than a future with you. You can't risk linking your future to someone who is unwilling to tell himself no. He'll probably wake up soon after and realize what he has to do. |
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Jay
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First (let's get this out of the way), you should NOT get married until you have a real conversation about money. As it stands, it's clear that the two of you are not aligned on this. And that, I can guarantee you, will destroy your marriage.
Second, I'm struck by the fact that he told you that he was going to pay off the debt, and has not. He lied to you. If he's otherwise an honest person, that's one thing. But if this is a pattern for him (making a promise and then not keeping it), this needs to be resolved before you get married.
OK, enough on the reasons not to get married...
It's reasonable for him to want to spend SOME of the money on himself and his son. While some of us (me and it sounds like you) prefer to live debt free (and would give up fun for it), some people resent having to give up all fun. It's reasonable for him to take $500-$1500 and use that for fun, using the rest to pay off the debt. It's not reasonable, however, for him to spend all of it on fun. Or, to be more correct, it's IRRESPONSIBLE of him. However, it's his life. Until you're married, if he wants to be irresponsible, it's his choice.
It sounds to me that he could pay off the debt and still have money left over, no? If that's the case, he should do just that. If what's left over is only $10, maybe it's OK to pay 95% of the debt and keep the $500-$1500 for fun.
Your comment about him not giving you flowers to say thanks is another problem. In a healthy relationship, there's no need to thank someone with gifts for standing by them. You stand by someone because you love them. In return, they acknowledge the sacrifices and say thanks. Maybe with words, maybe with flowers.
Sorry to return to this, but it's clear that you two have some things to resolve before you get married.
Lastly, getting married costs $50 for a license. Having a wedding costs more. If the only reason you weren't getting married was the lack of $6000, you'd be married because you'd care more about each other than a fancier wedding. As it stands, at least one you believes that the marriage should be delayed for the sake of a party. Not a good way to approach a lifetime together, you know?
It's possible that he's using this as an excuse. Unless you've laid down the demand for a wedding that costs $6000 more than you have (shame on you, if you did), he's looking for ways to avoid getting married.
And THAT, if nothing else, is a reason for you to consider what the two of you need to do in order to get ready to be married for the next 70 years. Right now, you're not ready. Which, I guess, is why it's a good thing that the $6000 is keeping you from making that mistake.
That said, you might have a long and good marriage. But before you get married, some counseling is necessary. If either of you refuses to go, then this is reason enough to call off the marriage and you your separate ways. There is no excuse (a lack of money for a therapist is NOT a valid excuse, as there are free and low cost options) for refusing to go. |
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lizzgeorge
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I totally understand where you are coming from. This situation is a huge relationship turning point. How you both react and deal with this windfall will set the tone for your interactions in marriage (if you get married) and give you clues to the balance of power, his sense of duty, and how he values you and your opinion. I think you need to let him do what he feels the need to do. You've already expressed your opinion--now sit back and watch carefully how he handles this.
It's important for him to splurge a little bit with this inheritance before he uses it for the boring obligations like paying debt. But how he splurges (and how much of it he splurges away) will tell you how responsible he is and what's important to him.
If he doesn't come to you within a month of finding out about the inheritance and tell you exitedly that he wants to set a date because now you can afford to get married--then I would leave him. If he (without your urging!) doesn't spend at least $100 of that money on your or your relationship--a nice dinner out, flowers, jewelry, a weekend getaway, etc.--then I would leave him.
Obviously if he doesn't pay his debts in FULL I would leave him. He'll never get a better, easier opportunity to do the responsible thing. If he can't do it now, he never will. You deserve a solid, responsible financial partner in life.
The gifts and setting a date are personal deal breakers you have to decide on. The mere fact that you know about the inheritance implies an obligation (no matter how small) to share some of it with you--you are engaged after all. If he is still thinking in completely selfish terms (best sense of the word) after five years--you need to move on. |
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jim a
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Not at all, You have the right to tell him how you feel, and where it goes from there will tell you how much he cares about you.I understand that this windfall He received makes him feel like
splurging a bit and like you say it would be ok if he puts his priorities in order.Tell him how you truly feel and if he will not accept that then maybe you should think about parting ways because if what you say know goes in one ear and out the next then when and if you get married it will only be worse. |
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Ethan
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You are not wrong to feel any which way about his choices. He is obviously not money savvy and will probably continue to struggle with his finances his whole life unless he can change his mindset and his spending habits.
Honestly, he sounds like a loser. I believe you need someone more mature than him. I believe if he wanted to marry he would propose whether he has the money or not. If he gets the money and still does not propose and his only excuse for not proposing is that he can't afford it, he is lying to you.
He also may be scared however after going through a divorce. depending on what happened he may or may not come to terms with the current situation out of plain fear of possibly going through another divorce.
If you plan on truly building a life and a family together, he needs to pull himself together, propose, and make a financial plan for the family that includes the kids, the goals, the home, retirement, and the lifestyle. All of these decisions and plans should equally include you. He should be direct with you.
I highly recommend the following book at Amazon. There is also a version of this book for first marriages.
Be blessed, |
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centerstage
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I went through a similar situation with my ex-fiance (who was also divorced with 2 boys). I stood by him through all sorts of financial and personal upheaval, but there came a time when I couldn't take anymore. We would be doing ok for a little while, and then he would blow a chunk of money on something stupid, and the bills would pile up. My ex used me...and now he owes me $7000 that I will never get back.
Please think long and hard about whether you really want to marry this guy. He's not going to change. His poor ability to handle money is not going to change. If I were you, I would get out. There are more men out there...men who will not use you and will keep their word. Don't settle, hun. It's not worth it. |
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Bill F
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The responsible thing to do would be to pay off the debt, I agree. A few dollars spent on his son is not awful, though, so you should be careful about being seen as jealous about their relationship. If he is being totally irresponsible, though, maybe that should be a red flag that he is not committed to being an adult, and you should be careful.
As for the wedding expenses, have you discussed getting married now that he has the money? If he hesitates now that the money excuse is out of the way, you may need to move on and stop wasting any more time on the relationship. Have the two of you considered a simpler affair that wouldn't cost as much. If this is your first marriage, I can understand wanting to put on a nice affair, but if it isn't, why not save money and keep it simple? A ceremony, a photographer, and a party for your closest friends and family could be done for way less than your $6k figure.
All the best to you as you work through this. |
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classy1
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What would Suze Orman tell him?and you as well?Never heard of her she is a well known financial advisor.You can pick up one of her books at any local book store or even the local library.
He should clean up the debt, people get a little bonkers when they get money when they have never really had any and they waste it.My best solution don't get married until he cleans that debt up or that will become your debt too. That is if in fact you do truely want to marry him and do love him. See where his priorities are now, rather than later.
Best of Luck to you and a lot of luck to him he really needs to correct this.
Sounds like you care for him or you would not be so worried about him. |
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kellycan
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that's a hard question, yes you have stood beside him for five years, but you accepted him with no money. Men tend to think that we want to take care of them, so if we accept them as is we will never reap any benfits. He does have the right to spend the money any way he see fit after all it is his money. The money you spent over the years was yours(yours and his) He just doesnt get it. We stand beside our men no matter what thru the good, the bad, the money, and the lack there of. He could at least treat you to something nice any gesture would be appreciated. What you need to do is let him spend all his money and when its gone no longer be the support you have been. Let your man learn fiscal responsibility. If he doesn't put any towards his expenses or the wedding, maybe the wedding is more important to you than him. The lack of money may just be an excuse. |
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Phoenix Princess of Darkness
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First, once you're married, your assets will be shared, so I'm not sure why he needs to come up with money for your wedding.
Second, I fully support him spending SOME of the money on himself. However, he should set a specific amount that will go to toys and to go to debt.
It would be nice if he would at least take you to a nice dinner. |
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