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Additional Details
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Swami Ibme | Irresponsible adult daughter, what to do? |
I 've been helping my daughter financially since 1990. Recently I retired & since have given her money which I explained "in detail" had to be repaid. The amounts total $4,700. since Sept. of 2005. She was to start paying me $200. a month starting Jan. 2006, I've received a total of $800. to date.
She has a great position & makes twice my income but she always has an excuse. However this doesn't stop her from going to concerts, "Burner" events, trips to Atlanta for parties, trips to the mountains to visit friends & next weekend she is off on a camping trip in northern WV - a "tree-hugger camp out".
Last week she gave me a check for $200. but later on called to ask me not to deposit it because she "was short" this week.
We had a dinner appointment for my bithday, she broke it @ the last minute. (she often breaks appointments like this) She lives 20 miles away & rarely comes over. Long story short, I'm feeling VERY USED. She says I'm bitchy, moody, & I say she's irresponsible.
Additional Details
You are all correct, I have allowed this behavior & it's time to cut her loose. It's a very difficult decision to make but my life is in a turmoil emotionally because of her actions, her apparent lack of obligation, and yes I do allow her to put me on guilt trips.
The "assistance" has ceased, the recovery of the funds is the next step. Although I have considered legal action I may just need to write it off as a "lost cause", stop being her "banker", and subtract the loan from her inheritance. (the suggestion to consider this a "lifetime" of gifts was a great one, she may recieve an empty box for all occassions from now on).
Thanks |
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notyou311
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Take her to small claims court and collect the debt. Then refuse to lend her money ever again. She has to learn how to be responsible and you are enabling her to avoid it. |
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bundysmom
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She's irresponsible and not accountable because you've never held her accountable. You should have driven straight to HER bank to cash the check she gave you and when she called to tell you she was "short" you should have told her "so what!" What about you? I'm sure YOU could use the $4700 bucks right about now. She may be of your blood but the only person who will look out for you is you. In the future I wouldn't give her a dime no matter what she says she needs it for. |
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redunicorn
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Stop giving her money. Write off all previous debts as bad debt.
Tell her the debt is her Christmas birthday gift for the rest of her life. If she doesn't have anything more to do with you, well you know she doesn't love you, she just wants more handouts. |
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cindy p
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you have helped her since 1990 ??? i am all for helping my kids but i refuse to be used. i remember lending my son some money and i found out he was going to a concert, buying this and that, etc before i ever saw a dime. i brought this up and he said it was none of my business what he did. i told him the day he knocked on my door and asked for help made it my business. so let me get this right...you are retired and she makes twice what you make. the word "NO" comes to mind. you have paid your dues. if she thinks you are ***** my guess is she wants you to feel guilty. i can remember cashing in pennies at the gas station when i first went out on my own. i cooked with an electric skillet and a popcorn popper until i could scrounge up a $15 gas deposit to hook up my stove. i asked mom for help one time when i changed job from weekly pay to once monthly. i borrowed $300. when i got my first check i sent her the $300. she sent it back torn up and said you proved you would pay me back. i felt very proud that i could take care of myself no matter how many times i had to sit home while my friends went out. my bills and financial responsibilites have always come first. and to this day my credit is great. i can walk into the bank and say i want this car and the lender tells me get it and come back to fill out the papers. you are not obligated to make her life easy. and for heaven sake don't feel guilty if she gets angry. she needs to grow up. good luck. |
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Heinz M
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You brought her up the way she is, and you should know what to expect.
You are setting yourself up for your troubles. And it will never change. That's who you are and that's who she is.
You have a 'co-dependency' in abusing each other. |
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kyltd
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maybe you are just going to have to tell her in no uncertain terms that you need your money, if she still doesn't pay maybe you should start waiting for her after work and just go everywhere that she goes maybe she'll get sick of you and pay you to get rid of you |
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eric h
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If she has such a great job, why is she sponging off of you?
I know you mean well, but all you're doing is enabling her to avoid taking responsibility for her own finances.
Tell her that, as of a certain date (30 days maximum), she ison her own. No more loans, no more bailouts.
Then stick to it, no matter what she says or does. If she's going to get thrown out of her apartment because the rent's late, give her a phone book and tell her to look up the address of shelters because that's where she's going to be staying.
You probably won't see much more of the existing loan unless you want to sue her, but it wouldn't hurt to tell her that she has to repay that as well.
She's going to be angry, but it's just what she needs. |
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whiteman
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be honest with her and tell her how you feel. |
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Bach
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It is the time to stop your financial help to your daughter. It is time to teach her that she must be responsible to at least for her own financial status. Stop helping her does not mean that you stop loving her. You should still maintain your contact with her, but stop spoon feeding her with money. Just tell her that you can not help her financially anymore, because you are retired.
If you want, you can still set aside the money you used to give her, place it in some account, for preparation just in case some day she really need it. Bear in mind, and communicate with her, right or wrong, she will always be your daughter, and you will always love her. Some times you just have to take some disciplinary action. |
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Wolf
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You're in the right here, which I'm sure you knew, but what you need to do is cut her off. She needs to learn about consequences. If that means bankruptcy or even jail, so be it. She made her own bed, she needs to lie in it. |
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1901pink
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you should be feeling used! That is what she did to you! Tough love answer-take her to small claims court. She would have to pay you back, she would learn a lesson about using you, and she would take you seriously! She will be mad for a while, but she will surely get over it. If that is too hard for you to contemplate doing, hand her your electric bill and tell her you need her to pay it for you this month because you are short. Remind her you are retired, on a fixed income, and she is out living great while owing you money.
Either of those, or just suck up the loss and do not EVER under any circumstances give her another penny or gift!
You probably are acting bitchy and moody because you are angry and hurt (rightfully so!). Your relationship with her will suffer until you either take action or put it past you. |
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sexytrojan
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She's not irresponsible, YOU are!
No offense, but if you have been supporting her (helping her out) since 1990, you are an easy target and she sees that.
Don't give her any more money. What you have loaned her, just take it as a loss. |
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cork
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CUT THE APRON STRINGS...
CUT LOOSE...
NO MORE MONEY..
JUST SAY --I'LL BE HERE IF AND WHEN YOU NEED ME....AND LET IT GO.
IF SHE PAYS YOU BACK-FINE BUT NO MORE LETTING HER GET TO YOU...
THE TELEPHONE IS NO WAY TO DEAL WITH HER.
SO DON'T EVEN ANSWER HER CALLS..
CUT LOOSE UNTIL SHE CAN GROW UP.. WHICH MAY BE A FEW YEARS...
YOU MAY NOT GET YOUR MONEY BACK BUT DON'T INVEST ANYMORE....
UNTIL SHE CAN SPEAK WITH YOU PERSONALLY LIKE NORMALLY MOTHER-DAUGHTER AND HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITHOUT BEING A USER--DON'T CONTINUE THIS ONE SIDED ABUSE....
BOW OUT AND STOP SEEING HER...
BEST FOR ALL AROUND... |
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iwaann60640
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well, you spoiled her and at this stage of the game, you can't unspoil her; you should thank God she doesn't live with you!Stop giving her so-o-o much help so much...she is ungrateful...unless you want to continue being used, keep your d distance form her and her f financial woes. |
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Big R
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You can't control what other people do so don't bother trying.
Do the best you can to make the relationship satisfying for both of you. If you do the best you can you shouldn't feel bad about not getting the results you want. I've only heard a snipet of one side of this. There are three sides to everything.
Your side, her side and what actually happened. This isn't a money issue. It's a relationship issue. You may want to ask it again in another category. |
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