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Dave | You are married, and your wife just started a new job...your brother asks to borrow $10,000. Do you? |
He's borrowed $5,000 and not paid you, of course you get an ok with your wife. You take an advance on a credit card to get him the money. A year and a half has gone by and no chance of repayment.
He is in big trouble now, he needs about $10,000. In order to give him this money you will have to ask your wife and get another $10,000 dollar advance on a credit card.
If you do not get him the money...there is a chance he could end up in jail. He supports your mom and sister. If he goes to jail they would lose thier home.
What do I do...I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place. If it were my money, I'd give it to him, but my wife is stressed out enough about our bills. I am lost....advice please.
Additional Details
If he goes to jail...would you "bail him out"? |
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Debt Is Dumb
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Absolutely not? Would you give an alcoholic a beer? Would you give a crack addict a rock? It is the same thing. Giving this guy money is enabling his aberrant behavior.
Never loan money to family. Proverbs 22:7 says that "The rich shall rule over the poor and the borrower is a slave to the lender." If you want to give him 10K and you and your wife are OK with that, then do it. There is a huge spiritual gulf between loaning and giving.
The only way that I would help this guy out would be to support mom and sister myself (why do they not work - disability, injury?). I would require him to go with me to financial counseling and get on a budget. If he was unwilling to do so, he could deal with the consequences like an adult.
You and your wife need to go to www.daveramsey.com and sign up for the Financial Peace University classes. The financial stress hits women at a whole different spiritual level. If you don't man up, take charge, and get a grip on this thing, it will end your marriage.
Also, go buy the book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and read it this weekend. He isn't supporting anybody running that kind of deficit. Where does all of his money go? |
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Jessica G
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maybe instead of giving him the money, use it to help your mom and your sister, sounds like he needs to learn a lesson and a little tough love may be what he needs |
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notyou311
 |
No way. You should have learned from past experience. You were very generous and you got burned. You will have to learn how to say "No." Your mother and sister should support themselves. You can't save them from the inevitable. You have done more than enough.
Watch Judge Judy sometime. She always has some poor soul on who loaned someone money and was never paid back. |
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gggsbaby
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It sounds like you are more responsible than your brother. Why not do what you can to help your mother and sister and let your brother pay the consequences for whatever he did to get himself into this mess. If you give him money again you will just be throwing it away. If he's already done this before and you give in to him again, he'll be back for more and more and more. |
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CJ
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NO NO NO - you do not give him any more money, especially on a credit card. Take him to the bank and have him take out a loan like the rest of us have to do from time to time! And while you are there with him, get the extra $5,000 + interest that he owes YOU! You are not your brother's keeper! CJ |
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Zelda
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He already borrowed $5000 and didn't pay it back. Therefore, if you lend him money again, odds are approximately zero that he will pay you back. It doesn't sound like you have $10 000 you can afford to lose. It's time to tell your brother no.
My advice is that if your brother ends up in jail because of whatever trouble he's in, you should offer your mom and your sister a place to stay if they need it.
Edited to add: No, I would not bail him out either. If someone does not pay back the first loan I give them, there will never be a second (with possible exceptions for close family members in life and death situations.) I'd visit him. I'd offer support in other ways. I just wouldn't give him money at this point. |
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annazzz1966
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So what you're saying is your mom and your sister approve of you brothers bad behavior and take it out on you by asking for money all the time... My advice is get mad and cut your ties to that part of the family until they can pay you off and clean up their act. They are totally using you for your money... all of them. |
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Rick B
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If you don't have the money, then you can't loan it. He can get an advance on a credit card or go to a loan shark if it is that bad.
If he did not pay you back the fisrt time, then this is not a LOAN, it is ANOTHER GIFT.
Why would you give it to him if it were your money? Isn't he an adult? Why should you pay for his debts?!?!?! Is he handicapped? Unable to work? Why is he your responsibility?
No, I would not do it. He needs to grow up. If you keep bailing him out, it won't happen.
NOOOOOOOO - Don't bail him out. Not sure of the situation, but he can serve his time or argue his case before a judge.
STAY OUT OF IT! He made his bed. You are not his parent - you are his brother. You are married - your primary responsibility now is your WIFE. |
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LYN JOAN TJoanie
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If you were to go into debt to loan your relative money you could be placing your own financial future in doubt and only putting off the day when things catch up with your brother. Whatever you do don't lend him any more money. He will probably try to make you feel very guilty, but you have your own responsibilities now and they come first as hard as that sounds. |
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Perennial Queen
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Personally...I don't think your brither should be putting you in this situation. It's surely not your fault he could end up in jail!! After all...if he knew he needed to have that money in order to stay out of jail...he should have gotten a good job to pay him enough to get that money!! Apparently he isn't taking proper care of them or he wouldn't have gotten into this situation!! You would save a killing in interest and everything else by not helping him out and just helping out your mom yourself!! Really now. Then you don't put any extra stress on the wifey!! Money is the lead cause of arguements and divorce!! Avoid that at all cost!! |
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jackson
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He got 5K from you and somehow spent the other $20K. If the police are involved he could still go to jail even if he pays the nursing home.
Yes he supports your mom and sister. But helping him out will just serve having evrybody else screwd up as well. Cash advances have a higher interest rate. So now you would face some serious bills. If you happen to screw up payments your credit will be screwed up Just the debt will do so. Good credit saves on car insurance and a whole lot of other things.
This was going to happen anyway. That day has come so throwing good money after bad will help nobody. Your first duty is to your wife and yourself. Someone has to have it together for the sake of your mother and sister.
Your wife....... don't even ask as this will hurt your marriage. As I said your wifes feelings and welfare are number one.
Don't give him the money. The house is obviously something that nobody can afford. Your brother obviously can't afford the bills. If you help him you will just be in the same situation a few months from now. So it is best to get it done with. Then later since your wife has started a new job maybe you can help your Mom and sister out. They may have to rent for a while.
I have had to make this tough call. You want to help but you can't do so at your own expense. You brother needs to go through whatever and then you sort out the rest. |
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the cats' mother
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I am sorry but your brother sounds like a loser in one way
that is he borrows a whack of money from you and never
has made any attempt to pay you back. On the plus he is
support your mum and sister. There is a lot more I would like
to know. Why did he borrow the 5000. was it for drugs, booze gambling or did he need because he was short from supporting the family? I really would say no. He is the one that got himself into this and he should learn to get himself out of it. 15,000. is a lot of money for the average working stiff and if you and your wife are having a tough time now why put yourself in a bigger hole for him. It would be a whole other thing if he needed money for surgery or something. |
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florida_doughboy
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I really hard emotional question. The love for a brother and the fear of lost of money. Now it might surprise you but the question is really simple.If he is starving, dieing, or out in the cold, and you are able, then help him out. Otherwise never loan money to a family member or someone you are close to. It will always come back to make you mad. It is only human nature to take advantage of people we know and we take the most advantage of those we love. In the end he will resent you and you will resent him. If he needs to go to jail for a few weeks to help him see more clearly, then that will be better then losing the love and respect he has for you and you for him. Sometimes the hard way is the only way. Better to pay the mortgage or rent for your mother and sister. |
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Andrea
 |
Absolutely not! It's not like you have $10,000 laying around to give away.
I think it's time for your brother to grow up and learn there are consequences for his actions. He is a thief. And he's not supporting your mom and your sister since he's stealing to accomplish this. Your best bet is to let him take his punishment and help your mom & sister as best you can. |
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Jeff
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Enough is enough.
I love you, but I can't enable this bad behavior any more. |
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tott1
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simply answer this question is it better if mom loses her home and moves in with you or if you give your brother money until you lose your home and marriage and move in with mom? |
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justanotherone
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No. You do not give him the money. You are enabling him. And how would someone go to jail for being in debt? There is no such thing as a debtors prison. If he's going to jail, it's not because he needs $10,000. Even an attorney fee isn't $10,000.
Your wife is your first priority. She is not working to support your family. Tell him no. |
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shasta446
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I would give him the money,
It would be terrible to know that since you didn't
give your brother money he went to jail. |
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