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lulu | My husband needs to make peace with Grandma. How can we make her understand? |
Ok, we reluctantly bought grandmas house from her for her named price. It was on a high traffic main road, had apartment buildings on one side, and was outdated. Because Grandpa built it, we put a lot of money in it to fix it up. I had a 4 year old, and one on the way. 2 years later, the field on the other side of the house went up for sale, and we heard rumors of duplex's being built. We decided this wasn't where we wanted to raise our family. There were new tenants in and out all the time. Lots of traffic. We decided to sell. Because of the market and the updating, we got 3x what we paid . Now Grandma is Mad at us. We used the money to build a new home on 5 acres of land in a family oriented neighborhood. Grandma refuses to visit us here. My kids ask about her. She has now permantly moved to Florida. She says she has given us all we're ever gonna get. My kids no longer get Chrismas presents or cards. She's 85, and we don't want the story to end like this....
Additional Details
To add... We were HOUNDED to buy this house by Auntie. The house couldn't pass a buyers inspection because of outdated electrical, septic issues etc!! We paid ASKING price which was $40K below market value at the time. Her own son offered less than half! WE were responsible for those updates when we sold. Yes, my 5 acres will save me. We live in a development where each house has, and is REQUIRED to have at least 5 acres. We are surrounded by forever farm land. I have no problem with aparment buildings, I just don't like them in my front yard! As for renting out the house. We're a family, NOT investors. The money was used to build our new home! Now I worry about the deer eating my flowers, not what pedifile might be living in the aparment next door! There were new people there on a monthly basis. Why are some people so malicious with answers? I asked for help-not criticism. LIKE YOU'RE PERFECT! |
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Alyse
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Tell her how dangerous it was for the family to live there -- make her understand that the house she lived in and grew up in (your husband too) is no longer what it used to be, peaceful, quiet. A street, a house, a town, changes alot in 70 years! Thank her for the new home and land that she has allowed you to have (yes, granted you did buy the house from her, it wasn't a gift), but to her, it probably meant a lot. Keep her abreast of the kids' activities, development, and pictures, and have the kids call her and tell her they love her. If she refuses to visit you there, go visit her, and share your lives with her. Hopefully she'll warm up to you, and understand. Good luck! |
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tango
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I would take the kids and go visit her. Grandchildren have a way of melting hearts. Try and tell her why you sold the place,
don't warn her you're coming as she will say no. surprise her.
i think its the only chance to get her to relent.
good luck. |
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hooterville
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I pretty much agree with the above answer. Did she sell you house at a bargain price to begin with? If so, some $ to her might help the situation. You should have explained that the safety of the children was your # 1 concern before you sold it |
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.
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grandma is old and senile. just visit her or let her be |
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gen. patton
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well,that goes to show you how women think, doesn't it?
she sold you the house,but, still wants to control the use of it.
for some,it's hard to understand, when you sell it, the buyer can do as they please with it, you have nothing to do with it any more. and, the way of the future maybe condos and apts., but you'll be happier on your 5 acres, believe me. my closest neighbor is 600 ft., and thats too close. |
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Open Book Advisors™
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You cannot reason with feelings. Feelings are neither right or wrong...they just are what they are. You hurt her. Unintentionally but painful to her none the less.
Her rejecting you and he kids is her way of demonstrating her hurt to you. Though she is probably blind to the fact that she is only hurting herself even more. You cannot reason that to a logical conclusion. YOu have to feed her what she wants.
You say your reluctantly bought........her take may be that you happily bought at a discount because you were family. IT was likely her pride and joy because the man she loved built it....a totally emotional attachment & transaction on her part.......a completely reasoned transaction on yours. YOu fixed it up....sold it and made a killing. You bettered your own situation, but slapped her in the face by doing so.
I would attempt to have hubby speak with her only. Wife keep out of it. This is about family. HE needs to appeal to her values-those being family, tradition, heritage. He needs to go to her without the attitude of "i need to make your understand" She will never understand because it's her emotions not her head that she is listening to.
So the only way you will get to her is to us those emotions she relys so heavily on to influence her. Acknowledge that you know you hurt her. That your actions around the whole property transaction hurt her deeply but that hurting her was never your intention. (dont go into your intentions-they dont make sense to her anyway) Tell her how horrible it feels to you that she is so hurt by what you did. Tell her you are so devestated that your kids aren't getting to love their great grandma and enjoy the things you did with her....use this to interject something funny or heartwarming you remember about doing with her.
Tell her how much you miss her and want her to be a part of the childrens lives. Tell her you are so sorry for hurting her (not so sorry for selling but for hurting her) and that if you could go back and change it you would. Tell her you have learned so much and realize after having your kids that nothing is better than family and that you want to be a family again.
If she did sell at a discount to you because you were family.....and as you said above "she says she has given us all we're ever gonna get" maybe she feels you owe her financially and that she should have benefitted by the return on the investment. I would say there maybe some truth to that and maybe your hubby should ask if there is anything he can do to make up for it.
Good Luck |
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godged
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Although you were within your rights to do whatever you wanted with the place, there is family and feelings involved.
You are not going to "make her understand" - you sold the family home and she has let you know in no uncertain terms how she feels about it.
Try her shoes. Her husband built that house, which you viewed as a problem needing extensive repairs. She raised her children in that home, which wasn't good enough for your family.
While we can all empathize with your situation, you need to empathize with hers.
If you don't want the story to end like this, you need an ombudsman in the family who can get your foot in the door. Someone that will arrange for you to visit with the children. Hopefully someone is willing to go to bat for you and arrange the visit. If you get there, don't discuss the house, deflect and avoid the issue at all costs. Just have a nice visit for a few days. Get some dialogue going, find some common ground. Maybe do some work to break down those walls, but don't plead your case about how right you are. In her eyes, this wasn't right.
Re-establish relationships, find the love. |
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MissV
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I agree. Show up, with one gift and tons of love. If it comes up remind her that if you hadn't had those pesky neighbors, then the quality of the location wouldn't have changed, and you wouldn't have felt compelled to move. |
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Liberty and Justice For All
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Well, considering that you could have kept the old house and rented it out, I can understand why she's so mad at you.
To her, this was a place full of memories. To you, it was just an investment.
What is it you're trying to make her understand? That money was more important to you than family? I think she sees that.
I don't see any reason why she should visit you in your new home. She's 85! Do you think it's so easy for an old lady to jump on a plane? If you want a relationship with her you're going to have to make the effort to see her, not the other way around. You're going to have to take some of that money you got from the sale of her husband's house and use it to fly down to see her once or twice a year with all the kids.
I'm sure she expected old-fashioned consideration and family loyalty from you. Please explain to her that our society just doesn't value those things anymore.
If you want her in your life you are going to have to do all the work in the relationship now. It would have been nice if you could have just rented the house out until she died. Then she'd still be in your life. |
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kimmamarie
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She sold you the house to keep it in the family and to raise your family in just like she did. Old fashioned and sentimental, yes. But not unjustifiable. Hopefully you paid Grandma in full when ;you sold the house.
She is looking at this like a stab in the back. Sorry, but I really cant blame her either. If you dont think that your area will end up with rentals or apt bldgs sooner or later, then you have your head in the clouds. Look around you. Apts and condo's are the times now, not single family homes. That 5 acres isnt going to save you.
Continue sending cards at Christmas along with a letter on how the kids are doing. She may come around to missing them. But I doubt it. She moved to Fla, sold you the FAMILY home that her husband built, to take care of and live in, raise your family and you up and sold it. To her that means family doesnt mean anything to you. Think of it as the house was a family heirloom. You dont get rid of it. You keep it and treasure it. |
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Aunt Doobie
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You had every right to sell the house. Grandma has no right to be mad. If she can't be reasoned with I don't know what you should do. Maybe if you continue to send cards and letters Grandma will soften. |
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Carole
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So sad but at 85 she should understand that you had to do what was best for you and your family. You could say to her that you are sorry you had to sell
her beloved home and you understand how upset she is about it but because things have changed so much there you had no choice but to sell.
I had a daughter who didn't speak to me for a long time because I remarried but now she and I are closer than ever I am sure grandma will understand she is just letting her emotions get in the way. Tell her it is so sad she should miss out on precious time with your children. Sometimes it is better to just step back and let things happen in their own time. What has happened can not be changed I think your grandma will just have to get used to the changes. |
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