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Additional Details
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No_name | My wife is driving me crazy! We are looking at houses in New Jersey and she says no to everything we look @ |
Here is the thing. We are on a budget here in NJ. The housing is rediculously expensive here, and the taxes are too high. We are looking to only spend a max of 300K on a house, and we are looking in Northwest NJ. Everything that we see in our price range she doesn't like. There is always something wrong with it. It's either too this, or too that...and they are often little stupid things that most people can overlook. She has a vision of what she wants in her head and any deviation from it is a no no to her. She wats the first house to be perfect, and reality is, she aint gonna get it here. She has champagne taste with a beer purse.
We looked at this one house and I loved it. Its my dream home. It's an old turn of the century Victorian, upgraded, in a nice area. Its about 2500 Sq. Ft. in our price range. I love it, its georgeous! And she doesnt want it becasue an old house would be "too expensive to heat, cool, and maintain".
What gives? What should I do? |
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Jay S
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Being a married male i can relate to you and going through a similar phase with my wife as well. In the end it is all about whether yours and hers dreams match. You can agree to disagree but she has to understand that in a certain amount of budget this is the best that you guys can do and afford. You can always get the heating estimates from the previous owners and communicate with your wife. But if she is not willing to listen then its not going to work. And I suggest at that point you need to put your foot down. As she has been negating every house that you see and even the one that is your dreamhouse.... Right?? So, I feel there is a basic regard issue going on here. With due respect to your wife and not to hurt your feelings or make you feel bad....my take is that she just wants her own way. Marriage is not always 50-50....or 100-0 or 60-40. Its a healthy balance which comes if one of the partners or both the partners are willing to listen and compromise.
So I would say, if this is your dream house, please let her know and wait for her reaction. If she still doesn't budge in then just go ahead and make a decision on the house. and let her decorate it. If she is an objective person then she will understand it.
Hope it helps...
JS |
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Lisa B
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Sorry to hear about your predicament. House hunting can be a real relationship tester. I've done it twice with my boyfriend and been successful both times....try this:
Sit down and write out a list of each other's expectations for your new home. ie. style of house, two bedroom, two bath, has a dishwasher, backyard, garage, etc. get down to the nitty gritty details. Know what each other wants! Then price out the things that can be changed, if you see a house you like but it doesn't have a dishwasher, how much will it be to install one?... the wall color is absolutely heinous, how much to repaint? etc.
Take this list with you....when she points out things that she dislikes, check the list, was it a priority that she wanted, is it something that can be changed, how much will it cost? If its a utility concern, get copies of the heating and cooling bills from the current owners, if they want to sell, they'll comply.
If you're well prepared, you'll be able to handle her objections in a constructive way.
Keep on trying, I know it's frustrating but it can be done! |
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Marion
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You can cross the Delaware River in PA you can have a custom home built for much less than $300k. You will find many people from NY and NJ in northeastern PA. I work with a builder that can custom build you a new home about 2,600 sq ft, for around $275k. Maybe by sitting with the designer your wife's internal thoughts of what she wants will come out and this will help both of you to solidify what you want and what you need with what you can afford. |
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thinking-guru
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Welcome. I was in that sinking boat about 4 years ago. Keep bailin' and be ready for a big compromise. It all worked out fine in the end and we are both happy with our home. |
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L G
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I was in a similar situation with my husband when we were house hunting (about a year before we got married). His only requirements for a home were that it had walls, a basement, and a roof that didn't leak. I was a little more picky, but only because there were practical things he didn't really think about. For example, we saw one house in which the only way to access both the basement and second floor were narrow spiral staircases. He was all set to get this crazy house, and I had to remind him: how would you get furniture up and down there? How would you get your musical equipment in and out? (he's in a band.)
You two should sit down together and write up a list of the things you NEED in a home and the things you WANT in a home. You'll know you've found the right place when it meets all of your needs and as many wants as possible.
As to owning an old home, the house we ended up buying is 112 years old. It was built before electricity, air conditioning, and even bathrooms! There's a lot of quirky stuff about it, but overall it's charming and so much more interesting (and solid!) than most of the cookie-cutter homes you see today. Back then, they knew how to keep homes comfortable even without modern conveniences, for example, keeping cool by taking advantage of cross-breezes. You said the Victorian home is upgraded... as long as it's not totally falling apart, I don't see why it would be outrageous to maintain. |
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Behaviorist
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Tell HER what you just told us. Find out what she is willing to compromise on and what she's not. |
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blu_id_irish
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The main thing here is to stay calm and dont cause any arguments over it. Which will be very hard... Eventually she will realize that she is going to have to make sacrifices. Let her know that she needs to look at the home by seeing what she can make it. NOT BY WHAT IT IS... You are the ones that will make it yours... Let her know that you really love the Victorian home and it all fits, price, area, and that it is your dream home. Ask her what she didnt like about it, and see if you can do something to make it worth it to her. You may have to do something you may not want to, but that is what marriage is all about. A little bit of give an take.... I hope you get your dream house, we are still working on finding ours... |
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Deboricua
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You guys need a "sit down". When married, my then husband wanted to do(buy) a lot of things and I kept saying no to every single thing. It wasn't on purpose. I didn't know it yet but it came down to me not wanting to be with him, so why attach myself financially to him and make it more difficult to get out in the future when ready. This was my situation. I don't know where you guys are at but maybe you should consider this angle. Godspeed. |
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Anarchrist
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You are suppose to sit down with your realtor before looking at houses and come up with a list of items that you require the house to have and a list of items from your wife. That way the realtor has guidance as to what houses for you to look at. If he didn't do that he's not doing a very good job.
When you find a house you like and it meets all the requirements you wife listed, she doesn't have a rational excuse to reject it. If she keeps rejecting houses that meet her criteria there is a deeper issue she isn't telling you. If you can't get her to communicate those deeper issues with you, the two of you should get marriage counseling. |
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Michael C
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In my experience, the best thing to do is keep looking until you find one that you both love. My wife and I had the same problem, but eventually we found a house that we both wanted. Unfortunately, we looked for a little over a year, but in the end, I think it will make you both much happier. I house is a long term investment, you need to make sure it is the right place for both of you or you may have many many many arguments in the future about it. |
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