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Whistlejacket | Would you allow a 20 year old to live with you and NOT pay any rent? |
My step son is living with us "temporarily". We came up with terms before allowing him in. Such as it's temporary and as soon as he got a job, he had to pay $300 in rent. Well he has been with us 3 weeks and he landed a full time job and now he says its unfair that we are charging him rent. Oh he has his arguments and he is very convincing in his stance of "oh I know what I am doing and I'm not going to be here that long anyway" and "this is not right and it's not fair"
I am not buying any of it. I think he is a bum and that we are creating a monster by allowing him to skate by and not pay.
He doesn't like our rules and thinks he can stay out til all hours, leave the doors unlocked and dirty plates all over the place. What kind of an example is he setting for the rest of the kids.What you do for one you do for all....right?
I am so unhappy, he has created drama and tension in our home.
I was in tears last night because he is getting his way. Daddy agreed to not charge him rent. Gee, wish I could get away with that in real life. All I have to do is throw a tantrum and get what I want? Cool!
So...charge rent or let him skate? |
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A D
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The may not be the best forum for your situation, but as the mother of a 23 yo son, who just went through some of this, I'll give you my opinion and suggestions.
First - you and your husband need to come to an agreement of how this situation needs to be handled and stick to it. I think this is absolutely critical. A united front, not divide and conquer (as your post indicates has happened).
I think you are right that your younger children are taking all of this in and it could turn into a big can of worms down the road for you.
Second - If this is a temporary situation, set a deadline. Period. A move-out date and how he will meet that date.
Third - I agree with you that a 20 YO young adult who is not in school, but working and earning should realize there are expenses that must be paid.
If he is gainfully employed, he should be contributing. How else will he learn to be responsible for his needs and wants?
If he is anything like my son, the food bill, toilet paper, soap,etc use more than doubled when he lived with me. Even utility bills were significantly higher with him in my house.
Even if you and your husband don't need the money and instead put his contributions into a separate bank account so he will have money saved to move out, or if he asks for a loan, I think he needs to pay a portion of earnings for his upkeep. PS - I don't suggest telling him this is what you are doing.
You might sit down with him and work up a budget to account for his own expenses: car payment/repairs, gas or commuting costs, auto insurance, lunch @ work, entertainment, savings, etc. Then you can see what would be realistic for him to pay you. (PS - if he is like my son, this was VERY difficult to do, but I thought it was critical and made it a condition for him to live in my house.)
Fourth - Even if he is paying you, he should not impose an additional burden on the household. He (and all children) should be contributing to the smooth running of the household. Even the little ones can have age-appropriate chores. Feeding/watering pets, gathering laundry, folding clean laundry, setting the table for meals, helping with dishes after meals, etc. Certainly a 20 YO should be able to pick-up after himself and help with other household chores. His contribution does not consitute maid service, IMHO.
Fifth - He must be respectful of household schedules. It may be hard to impose a "curfew" on a young adult, but if returning late, he should be quiet and respectful that others are sleeping, secure the locks when he returns, low volume on TV or stereo, etc. He is now a member of a household and needs to respect the others.
Sixth - Are there underlying family dynamics that are coming into play here? What is your relationship with your stepson? What is his relationship with you and his father? Has he been living on his own already? Has something happened that now requires that he live with you? Do you think you and your husband can sit down with him and help him see that you do want to help him succeed and that you care about him?
Good luck. |
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raina_vissora
 |
Well, I lived with my parents rent free until I was 26, which was a year after I found a full time job after college... At which point I had saved enough to buy my own house and decided to do so.
That said, if I had ever disregarded the house rules like your kid is, I'd have been out on my a** in a heartbeat. |
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Alterfemego
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I'd give him 2 two's to begin paying rent, then out the door his stuff and he goes! NO IF'S ANDS OR BUTS |
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blackfeatherbird
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Husband isn't doing you any favors or honoring what you believe is right.
A 20 year old is technically an adult and should be living on his own!!! |
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Emily S
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Hes 20, not 30. Hes a kid. It sounds like your more after his money than actually teaching him how he should act and what he should do around the house. Give him an option- help out around the house, etc/pay rent/or move out. Everyone should contribute something, but 300 is a pretty big bill for a 20 year old. |
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SmartA$$
 |
In your situation, I'd charge the rent. $300 is more than fair, especially considering that you probably provide food and other things. Most places will charge $500 for a shared room, plus a share of utilities and you have to provide your own food etc. This deal is more than fair.
You need to decide what your goal is for this kid, and then decide whether or not you are helping him accomplish that goal. Letting him live cheap could be a big help to him if he is putting money aside for his own place, or attending school. However if he's just taking advantage of you because its easier than paying his own way, then you aren't doing anybody any good by letting him get away with this.
One plan that I've heard that worked out well was this: Parents charge reasonable rent (and enforce the rent payments). Instead of treating the rent money as extra personal income, set it aside in a bank account. If the kid ever decides he wants to go to college, use the rent money to help with tuition. Think of it as a forced savings plan to get him on track to adult responsibility, rather than thinking of it as rent. |
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Landlord
 |
I can not imagine charging my children rent. I fully expect mine to be completely dependent on me at 20, as they will not be done with their education.
But, your situation is different, he does not seem to be preparing for his adult life.
I personally would not kick him out, his birth parent, which I think is your husband should be the one to deal with this situation. |
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Amanda B
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I think the biggest thing here is the ground rules. If you have someone (regardless of age) living with you, eating your food, using your laundry, your phone, your heat you pay for, then you have the right to put down the rules, as well. If you don't, he will continue to walk all over you. Paying rent is not the issue here - it's your boundaries and the moral implications that go along with this. Sit down with your husband and create some ground rules and bring it to your step son. If he chooses not to abide, then he knows where the door is: you have the right to change the locks. It's called tough love, baby, and you have every right to use it. I stayed with my parents after college and during the summers between semesters. My parents had to be firm with me, as well. They didn't have to put a roof over my head: I was an adult. |
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greenie
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I would not waste anymore words or tears. Time to show some tough lov.
Give him a tent in a box ($60) and tell him either he can help pay for room, electricity, food and cleaning and live with ya'll doing his part like everyone else or he can camp out in the backyard and do what he wants. Remove the keys. Make that swift and painless. He wont stay more than 1 night outside.
If he doesn't pay rent he will not learn to be independent to live on his own. so skating is not doing him a favor.
If Daddy doesn't set this rule, Get a large hamper and put it in the garage. Everytime they have laundy for you, put it there and leave it there. If they ask for it, let them know where it is and where the washer is. No more shopping, no more cooking, no more favors, just the bare basics. I give them one week till they get the message that it takes every one in a household to help out. :)
Good luck |
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bRiLa
 |
charge rent
or he can leave if its "so unfair" there
if he were going 2 college or sumthing or trying 2 better himself that way & paying 4 college expensives i would say dont make him pay rent
it doesnt sound like he's even saving 4 college or anything like that
so yeah
if he WERE it'd b a diff story
since hes not th....he should b able 2 pay sum rent
btw idk y he's gripping
ur hardly charging anything |
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Gertie
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I think if he's going to be in your home he needs to respect you and pay his way. Life isn't free and how's he going to learn. If he was going to school I might say not to charge him since he would be trying to better his life. However you know him better than any of us do.
Another thing think about how important your husband is to you. Tell him if the boy goes or you do. |
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destinys95
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You're 100% right because at 20 years old he needs to learn to be an adult and take responsibility. When I was 18 I rented my 1st apartment and I've been on my own ever since paying bills and working. My friend had a son move in with her and her husband who was his stepdad. He didn't pay rent and constantly took advantage. It caused a lot of fights between her and her husband. She wasn't teaching him to grow up because he had no responsibility. She always made excuses for him and he knew how to get away with everything. She finally ended up kicking him out because he was doing drugs and sold her wedding ring to a pawnshop. |
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crackerjack
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Charge Rent and insist that he pay it on time! I recently had my 19-year old neice living with us and we were in the same boat. We even went as far as to rent a larger house so she could have her "space" under the undrestanding that she pay a portion of the rent. Well. she too began staying out all night and "disappeared" for two days. I called the police and reported her as missing because even her friends were looking for her. I called her job and they ahd not seen her either so she was missing. She told me that she was planning on staying at a friends house for "awhile" and that she did not know when she would be home. I told her to come and get her things because she had not held up to her end of the bargain and was setting a bad example for my kids!! (Sound familiar?) So, she moved out and is learning a very valuable lesson through the "tough love" that we all have to be strong enough to dish out when needed!! Stay strong and don't be afraid to stand your ground!! |
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redhairedmama75
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He's an adult. He should pay rent no matter where he lives. I'd kick his *** out. |
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Veritas et Aequitas ()
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The only way I would allow a 20 yr old to live rent-free is if they are working hard to get on feet or if they are in school. Otherwise I wouldn't allow it.
You are right, if he can't respect your rules he needs to pay rent. I say kick him out, but then again that could cause problems in your relationship. If your husband can't respect you enough to ask your thoughts and you two decide together then you have major problems just ready to explode. Maybe charge him rent and set that money aside. After a certain period where you have accumulated a good sum for him to move out on his own, give him that money and tell him get to steppin'. |
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})i({ J and D's Momma })i({
 |
Charge him rent!!!! If your hubby thinks that $300 is too much...lower it a little...but DO NOT let him get by with no rent..he will never leave if it is so easy for him! |
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tammy P
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You could tell him to save up enough to pay for the rent and security deposit for his won place. Tell him that he will have his won place and freedom. His dad may like the idea of him saving up for his own place. My step-son was the same way until he got his first apartment with his friend. Maybe he could get a place with his friend. |
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oneiloilokano
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I would make him pay into a fund that you hold and keep track of. As soon as he has enough saved for an apartment, out the door he goes.
His father is not doing him any favor. Life doesn't work that way and the soner he figures that out the better. I would also demand "ground rules". Such as the house is locked at midnight and he cleans up after himself or out the door he goes.
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